This is definitely not my day

I knew from the beginning that there would be something wrong this day. I felt it, I felt it the instant that I woke up.

Saturday. I woke up early because we have a choir practice at 8AM for "Harana ni Maria". That's a presentation of every choir in our parish later at 7PM. I sent GM to my contacts and reminded the Glee Club about our practice, and I got to text with Eday and Arsie while washing the dishes.

I was kinda late for the practice because of texting. It was already 8:15 when I reached school. They were still few, though. The CAT officers were at the school quadrangle for the training and I immediately gave the garrison belt buckle to Lea that I borrowed to her when I had our CAT class.

When I saw Jette, he instantly pointed to Steni. Having a low pick-up, I wondered why he was doing that. Then I remembered about Jayson's Visual Basic CD (he asked for a burned copy from our Computer teacher) that Steni borrowed. Sabi co kasi, ipahiram niya na agad kay Jette yung CD para ngayong sabado, ako na yung makakakuha kasi hindi naman na kami magkikita ng sembreak. Kinukulit co nga sila dun e.

Steni smiled--a sheepish smile--and then ran away. I chase after her (LOL. My small limbs versus her long ones). Naabutan co siya at nacorner, at sinabi niya nakalimutan niyang wala sa kanya ang CD dalhin.

"Tanong mo pa kay Jette!"

"Kasabwat mo siya e!" I accused her jokingly. Trip na kasi namin ang "um-acting", at baka nanti-trip na naman siya.

"Hindi. Pramis! Di aco na-acting ngayon."

Matapos siyang kulit-kulitin, tinantanan co na rin si Steni, pero pabiro pa rin akong nagpaparinig.

At habang naghihintay sa ibang choir, nagkukwentuhan kami. Hanggang ang kwentuhan ay nauwi sa asaran at okrayan. I wasn't really feeling good for teasing, so just shut my mouth and occasionally grin whenever I need to.

The others came. Lea told me that they would just eat merienda. She even invited me with them but I refuse because they were all CAT officers and I might not catch up with them. After some time, when my choirmates finished buying and eating their food, I told them that we'll practice. Vocalization, kaysa naman nakatunganga lang kami dahil wala pa si Sir.

So I initiate the vocalization. I wasn't really feeling good. Well, not physically, but it's just I seemed to be not in the mood. I pointed the Tenor (which was Arbu and Eday) for a part of vocalization, and the note seemed to be too high for them. Their voice faltered, then they laugh. I wasn't in the mood to laugh with them. I made them repeat it, and then they laughed again. Most especially Eday. And I knew I was loosing it. I'm close to my boiling point.

They seemed to notice it too, for everyone kept quiet. Well, almost everyone. Adrian was still erupting into silent giggles.

"Ano ba yan?" I said in a stern voice, in the most calm voice I could manage that time. "Ulit." I told them. When it was tenor's part again, nagtawanan na naman sila.

I shut my mouth up. I stared blankly at nothing. I could feel it, I could feel the annoyance building up inside me. The anger. The anger for them and for myself. Through my silence, they tried getting the note again, but I know they're not serious. Adrian's still giggling. I heard Remo said, "Tama na, Eday."

"Magaling na ba kayo?" I said, my jaws clencing. "Magaling na ba kayo?!" The girls muttered a low "hindi".

"Akala niyo kasi ang gagaling niyo na eh! Tawanan ng tawanan, di bale sana kung magaganda ang boses. Yan ang mahirao sa inyo e, wala kayong respeto." I said something more, and I couldn't help the tears. Shit. That really made me annoyed to myself. I hate crying in this kind of occasion. I hate crying when I am the "authority" because I seem to be... weak. Because it seems that I could handle these kind of things. I really hate it. Pero wala, mababaw talaga ang luha ko. I cannot hold it back.

"Bastos!" I yelled angrily before more tears could come, and turned back at them to walk away. The first place I went is PEAC. This has always been my refuge, my sanctuary.

I maybe made a fuzz over nothing. That was maybe a really little thing. But for me, it's not. It's a big deal. Because Eday was involved. My friends were involved. The people I love and cherish and regarded as important. I just cannot accept that the people I love were the ones who hurt me, the people I cherish were disrespect me.

Everything's just too unfair! Sa SSG, sa Gatekeeper, I know everyone look down at me. Everyone regarded me as the "weakest link". "Walang silbi", someone jokingly told me one time. For them, I'm just a shitass loser.

But haven't I proven myself yet? Haven't I done all the things that I could do? Were my efforts not enough? Dammit. If they don't want me, I don't want them either!

Bebe texted me, saying sorry several times. I went back home. Siguro pa-epal lang talaga aco, but I was waiting for them to apologize. Especially Eday. They could easily reach me; they could text me or go to my house. Pero wala. Which means patigasan kami. Bahala sila.

Pero hindi ako nakatiis. I texted Lea to ask what they are doing. Nandun na daw si Sir Bautista and their practicing. Darn.

Pinadaan co si Ayyah sa bahay so we could come to school together. I was wearing a serious face when I got there. May bago ngang kanta, and I didn't know it. I didn't care to ask. Hindi co sila pinapansin, tutal hindi rin naman nila ako pinapansin. Alde was the first one to talk to me, pero hindi rin ako masyadong nagsasalita. Mr. Bautista asked me why I wasn't around in the morning, and I told him that I had been in school, but I went home.

Darn. I wanted to swear.

Medyo um-okay na ako maya-maya. Pero di pa rin ako masyadong namamansin. We were late for the mass because we practiced pa. Wala tuloy opening mass. Hindi dun sa usual na pwesto umupo sila Eday at Remo, which is just beside me. They sat on the other corner. Hn.

We went back to school after mass. My head was aching. We were given sandwiches, merienda daw namin. Galing yata kay Ms. Rasdas. We went back to church at 7pm.

I noticed that Remo wasn't talking to me too. Si Eday, we're ignoring each other pa rin. I was just worried because since Eday was involved, Ginnique would be involved too. And my other affiliations as well, which are mostly the same as Eday's. So great, everything's ruined.

Pero pinansin ako ni Remo nung may pinapasabi sa'kin. Which is a good sign.

Kinabahan kami nung kumanta yung unang choir. Sheda, ang galing. Nung turn na namin, may mga sablay. It wasn't that good. But it wasn't that shameful either. I jokingly told them that if we failed at this, I won't attend in any meeting in the Music Ministry na. Pero makaka-aattend pa naman ako. :)

I was surprised when the next choir started to sing and my choirmates suddenly stood up. I thought na pinapauwi na kami ni Sir. Kakain lang daw pala dun sa may Parish Hall. Nainis ako. Bakit nung kami naman ang kumakanta, wala naman biglang umalis ah. At isang batalyon pa kaming nagtayuan. I stayed, with Ayyah and Mae. We finished the song.

Naiinis ako. Ayan ang problema sa choir e. Mga walang respeto! Imagine, kami kaya ang ganunin, for sure maiinis kaming lahat. At umalis sila dahil sa pagkain! Samantalang walang ibang choir na gumawa nun. Di bale sana kung napakakagaling namin e. Napaghahalataang mga PG!

When the song ended, I approached my choirmates. I was really annoyed. At sinermunan co sila. They tried to reason out, and they said Sir Bau was the one who told them to go. Para namang walang mga utak, nasan kaya mga manners nila! Naturingang galing kami sa Catholic school. But when Sir Bau was the one who talked to me, napilitan akong mag-okay. Gaah.

Hindi na ako nag-merienda. Lamunin nila yon. Ayyah and I went back to church and I out of the sudden, I ranted. Nagsabi talaga ako ng mga sama ng loob ko. And I cried. After that, I felt better. Bahala na sila sa buhay nila. Bakit ko ipagsisiksikan ang sarili ko sa mga taong ayaw naman sa'kin? I was blinded by my love for those people because they're important to me, but they're hurting me over and over again. If they don't want me, fine! May mga tao naman na handang tanggapin kung sino at ano ako. My world doesn't revolve around them anymore. They're still important to me, I admit, pero dapat siguro na magising na ako. Parati na lang ako ang kawawa sa kanila, maybe it's time to let go of the things that are hurting you already.

When I went back home, mugto pa rin mata co. And I realize that bangs are really helpful. XD

Bonding Moments

March 25, 2009; Wednesday

Am'bilis ng panahon.

Hindi co alam kung bakit parang nagka'countdown pa aco kung ilang araw na lang ang natitira sa Junior life co. Pero nalulungkot din aco dahil konti na lang ang matutuldukan na ang pagiging third year co. Kung kelan matatapos na ang lahat, saka naman aco nawawala sa sarili. Hay..

--

Kagabe, tinanong co pa nga kai Andrade kung mai practice nga, meron nga daw. Luko'luko nga 'yon e. Pagtawag co kase, tinanong co kung pwedeng maka'usap si "Emmanuel". Sabe ba naman nung babae sa kabilang linya na hula co'y yung kapatid niyang second year,

"Kuya, si Ibyang!"

Aba't ang loko, mukang ipinagkakalat ang nickname co. Sheda, iyon kase yung tawag ng iba sa'ken e. At nung tinanong co kung baket alam nang kapatid niya yung nickname cong iyon, ang sagot ba naman e.

"Kinukwento kase kita sa kanila e. Lahat kinukwento co. Kahet nga yung yung paglipat niyo ng bahay, alam e."

Langya, proud pa siya habang nagku'kwento nun. Ang damuho, napaka'tsismoso talaga!!

Matapos mag'chika galore ng ilang minuto sa telepono, nagpaalam na rin aco. Alas'dos na aco nakatulog dahil kakagising co lang nung tumawag aco sa kania ng mga 11:30. Wala na naman kase yung internet cord dahil tinago na naman ni Mama kaya wala acong gagawin. Tsk. Maaga pa naman pasok co bukas.

--

Dahil nga maaga ang pasok co, in'alarm co yung alarm clock ng 6am. Ayun, katulad ng parati cong ginagawa, gumising aco para patayin ang alarm clock at pinagpa'tuloy ang aking paghihimbing.

Kaya ayun. Nagising aco nang mga 7:20. At dahil sobrang sakit ng leeg co at buong katawan na para bang binugbog aco. Kaya humilat muna aco sandali at 7:30 na aco bumangon.

Hindi na nga aco nag'almusal at derecho ligo na aco. Hindi na rin aco nakapag'tali ng buhok dahil quarter to seven na ang oras sa relo namen. Advance naman yun e. Di bale, kung sakaling late aco at nagsisimula na ang practice, uuwi na lang aco ulit para ipagpatuloi ang aking pagtulog.

Pag datin co sa school, may mga nagpa'practice na nga sa Main. Pero mga 4th year para 'yon na nagpa'practice ng graduation. Sabe ng guard nasa extension daw yung mga awardees para sa Recognition.

Buti na lang pagkadating co dun nakita co na sila Arpon. Di na aco magmu'mukhang tanga kaka'hintay.

So, apat pa lang kame. Wala pa si Jayson. Pero maya'maya e dumating na rin, mga malapit ng mag'alas-otso.

Ni'share co pa nga sa kanila yung tungkol sa poknat co. Haha. Oo, may poknat aco. At ang laki. Kagagahan co kase, wala acong magawa kagabe. Saktong nakita co yung chane at pinagdiskitahan ang buhok co. May sayad talaga aco. Actually nung Mandei co pa kinaka'likot yung buhok co e. Kaka'kutkot co, ayun, napoknat tuloy yung ulo co. Sa gitna pa naman. Di tuloy aco makapag'tali nang may hati kahet ayun na yung hairstyle co ilang araw na. May sayad talaga aco. Di bale, tutubo pa naman yan e. Nagka'ganian na rin yung buhok co dati pero tinubuan naman ulit ng buhok. Ang tanong, kailan? Buti na lang bakasyon na.

So nag'practice na kame. Sheda, inaantok talaga aco. Psh. Lulugo'lugo na nga aco habang nagpa'practice e. Una naman kase ang mga Best in Religion kaya wala na acong gagawin onwards.

Natapos rin ang practice, sa wakas! Sa Friday nga daw ibibigay yung Programme e. Lagot. Wala kame sa Friday dahil nga sa swimming. Okay lang 'yun. Madali nang gawan ng paraan.

Hindi co pa nga nababanggit uli kay Mama yung tungkol sa swimming. Basta, may hinanda na acong 'script' kung sakaling hindi aco papayag. At kung hindi co pa rin nakumbinse, tatakas na lang aco. (Haha. Bad girl!)

Umakyat na rin kame sa room. Habang nagla'lunch sila at aco naman at nagsusulat ng sa music (dahil hindi pa nadating ang baon co), nagkwentuhan muna kame. Nawalan na nga sila ng gana dahil nagkwento'kwento kami ni Andrade nang mga hindi kanasa'nasang bagay. Haha. Sama talaga.

Kung saan'saan na napunta ang usapan namen. Grabe, ang dami cong nalaman. At isa ito sa mga bibihirang pagkakataon dahil nag'share si Jayson ng tungkol sa kania na hindi niya naman ginagawa dati. Pinuna co kase siya na ang dame'dame niyang nalalaman tungkol sa ibang tao pero hindi naman siya nagku'kwento tungkol sa sarili niya. E ang sagot niya, wala naman daw kaseng masaya o malungkot na nagyayari sa family life niya. Ano yun, neutral? Hus, imposible!

Actually, mga trivias pa nga yung mga sinabi niya e. Eto:

*Hindi siya marunong maghimay ng isda. Minsan nga, nagpapasubo pa daw siya sa nanay niya dahil natitinik lang siya kapag isda ang ulam nila e. Nakaka'gulat kase kahet ngayon daw, sa edad niyang 'yon e nagpapasubo pa siya. Grabe!

*Dahil hindi nga siya marunong maghimay ng isda, one time e nasalaksak sa gilagid niya yung tinik ng tilapia yata yun. At ang ginawa niya para matanggal? Pina'chane niya sa nanai niya! Hahaha!

Grabe talaga, nagulat kame sa mga shinare niya.

Napunta din kame sa mga usapang... uhm, sa'men na lang yun. Ewan co kung sinong nagpasimula nun, si Andrade yata. Ang dame nga nameng napag'usapan tungkol dun e. Hahaha!

Marami pa acong nalaman tungkol sa kanila. Hay, bonding moments. Minsan na lang 'to, lubos'lubusin na.

--

Maya'maya, napunta kame sa topic tungkol sa "lovelife" ni Jayson, kung lovelife nga ang maitatawag dun. Napag'kwentuhan kase namen si Le-ann e. At ayun, nagkwento kame ng mga haka'haka namen at teorya tungkol sa kanila.

E nabanggit co yung napapansin namen ni Apple na parang pine'pair namen kay Jayson. Ayun, naintriga sila at hinula'hulaan. Akala co naman gets na nung iba kung sino. Mali'mali naman ang hula nila. Ang sabe co kase, iba ang pagtingin ni Jayson sa kania. Para bang nagniningning ang mga mata at iba ang kanyang tawa. Haha. Pati si Jayson nakihula!

Ang tagal nilang hinulaan 'yon. One time nabanggit ni Edmarie kung sino 'yon e. Ico'confirm co na sana kaya lang mai sumingit sa usapan namen kaya na'udlot at pagbubunyag. Haha.

At ayun, nabanas yata sila. Nagsabe'sabe na ng, "Sabihen mo na kase, mag'oopen ka, di mo naman itutuloy." Pero di sila nakatingin sa'ken.

Lumabas aco, nakita co si Ayyah kaya kinuha co yung mga pictures co nung bata na ilang araw na sa'kania.

At nabanggit co sa kaniya ang napaka'laking dilemma na hinaharap co ngayon.

At ang gaga, nahulaan! Waaah! Pero hindi na rin siya nag'insist na i'push pa ang kaniyang nalalaman dahil alam niyang di co rin naman sasabihen. Mahirap na, baka madulas ang dila co at mabanggit co a. Nangako pa naman acong walang makaka'alam nun at wala acong pagsasabihan.

I don't know what had gotten over me, but I suddenly felt down.

Nagkulong aco sa CR. And I just notice that I'm crying. Damn, grabe ang emotional outbreaks co lately. Umiiyajk nang hindi co alam ang dahilan.

Lately, there is an almost unbearable pain in my chest. But I know it's not because of illness or something. It was because of emotional reason. It was as if there is a hole in my heart. Ang sakit. Parang, alam mo yun, may kulang. May hinahanap ka. May gusto kang gawin pero hindi mo magawa.

Maybe it was because of the upcoming end. Maybe it was because we will soon part ways. Maybe it was because we had less than a week to go. Maybe it was because it seemed that all the conflict came when the end is near and it is more difficult to patch the things up. Maybe it was because I am just too stupid, too pathetic.

I hushed myself. I was supposed to savor the moments. Not ruining it. I wiped away my stupid tears. Geez, I'm really pathetic.

Bumalik na aco sa room. Siguro nga na nabanas na sila sa'ken. Nagkailangan na rin kaya di na rin sila masyadong magpansinan.

Okay, aco na naman mai kasalanan. Inopen'open co pa kase yung topic na 'yon e. Ampft. So, magka'galit na naman kame ni Jayson?

I'm so stupid. I'm ruining everything, thanks to my stupid, pathetic self.

Nasira na rin ang mood co. Darn. Medyo tahimik tuloi aco.

Maya'maya naman e bumalik na yung mood co. Pero di pa rin kame masyadong nagpapansinan nila Edmarie.

I hope everything will be fine tomorrow.

--

Bago siguro mag'10pm, tumawag aco kila Andrade. Wala lang, nakipag'chikahan lang. Kung anu'ano ngang napag'kwentuhan namen e. At mai pasasabugin daw diya bukas. Nako, kanina pa yan, ayaw sabihen.

Tinanong co nga kung galit sila Jayson. Sabe di naman daw. Mejo naiinis lang daw dahil hindi co pa sinabe kung sino yung babaeng 'yon.

Anong oras na kame natapos magtelebabad. Siguro mga 10:30. Natandaan cong tatawag pa pala aco kay Jayson dahil itatanong co kung anong oras siya papasok at kung galit ba siya sa'ken.

Nako. Ayaw naman kaseng patawag nun sa bahay nila e.

But I still tried. Akala co nga hindi nila bahay yon kase mejo nakalimutan co na yung number niya e (pano ba naman, hinulaan co lang kase yung last digit kase ayaw ibigay yung buo!).

Pero sa kanila nga yon. At sa pangalawa cong beses na pagtawag sa kanila, serious voice na naman. Nagulat pa nga aco dahil nag'iiba yung boses niya, nagiging... pambabae? Tapos super hina pa kaya di co marinig. Nako. Parati na lang! Pero sa school grabe ang bungaga. Ibang'iba talaga yun sa bahay nila.

Tinanong co kung anong oras siya papasok. Bahala na daw. At tinanong co rin kung galit na naman ba siya sa'ken. Hindi naman daw. Hsus! Parate naman e! At inaantok na daw siya at matutulog na siya kaya di pa yata umabot ng 2 minutes ang pag'uusap namen.

I'm so stupid. >____>