To Move, or Not To Move?

I had been thinking of abandoning this blog for a quite long time now, and make another account in Blogger. I mean, there is "something" in here that I wanted to leave. I don't know what it is, though.

But maybe I should leave ♥ banat ni nene ;] when it reached it's first anniversary. Or maybe on March so college life would be separated from here?

Uh. Don't know.

Depression

Warning: Angsty post ahead. Lots of pathetic ramblings too. Go click the 'X' button if you don't want to hear stupid stuffs.

I've been having severe blows in my self-esteem lately. The feeling of thinking too lowly of myself is back. I hate this kind of feeling. I hate having too little self-worth. I hate thinking badly of myself as everybody does. I hate it, I hate the feeling of wanting to turn back on myself as the world does. But I can't help it. Self-esteem is being pretty much shaken.

Raised in a seemingly indifferent world, I couldn't help to be shaken by insecurities. No, I am not shy or anything. In fact, I could be branded as one of those "shameless" people. Makapal ang mukha, 'ika nga. But despite the carefree and confident personality I have, there is still a very little part within me that is filled with anxieties and worries.

I learned to love myself because at the end, when the world turn its back on you, when even the people you thought you could trust starts to leave you, you will have nothing but yourself. I learned to console myself when everybody seem to despise me, to tell myself that everything would be okay when everyone seem to talk at my back, to hold on to myself when everyone seem to abandon me. I have nothing but myself.

Life has always been so unfair. People has always been so cruel. I tried hard to fit in. I tried hard to belong. I struggled hard to be in the place I am standing right now. But when I thought that I became already accepted, when I thought that everything is real, when I thought that I found the people whom I could trust, the painful realization hit me. I am still an outcast, and will always remain as outcast. An unwanted person. Tag-along. Sabit. Singit. Extra. Panakip-butas.

Sometimes, I couldn't ask myself why I was born like this. Why I was born in a callous family? Why I didn't had parents who could understand me? Why I became a product of a broken home? Why I wasn't born rich? Why am I not beautiful at all? Why I am so small and people seem to think so little of me? Why everyone seem to find wrong in my every move? Why am I just too stupid? Why I couldn't do anything good? Why I couldn't just fit in, no matter how hard I try? Why? Why?

And I've always known the answer to those questions: simple because I am me. I was born like this and nothing can change that. This was the plan for me. And no matter how hard I wish, I couldn't do anything about it but accept. Because this is the life I have to live. The path I have to take. This is my fate.

The depression is slowly eating me up. Outside, I am pretty much okay. But the inside of me is getting hollow. My mind is empty. Blank. Dark. The pain is gnawing me to the point of feeling numb. But numbness isn't any help at all. The numbness just make everything more painful.

I never wanted to be alone because when I am alone, I think of morbid things. When I am alone, all I wanted is to cry. Self-pity is a tempting companion. I wanted to shout, to curse everyone, to hate the world. But I can't. I couldn't hate the people I learned to love. And besides, the world has nothing to do with this. I could hate the world, but nothing good will happen. Nothing will change. It won't stop spinning for me. The people around me aren't the problem; it is just me. Just me. Me and my pathetic life.

I always say I am happy in my life. That no matter how many obstacles come in my way, I could always stand up. But if I were give a chance to choose what kind of life I like to live, what kind of parents I want to have, I don't know. I probably won't choose this life. I would probably grab the chance, even it means throwing up everything that I have. But of course, I couldn't tell that. I've always love the people around me, the things that had happened to me, no matter how good or bad it is. But when it is the people around you that's killing you slowly, when everyone let go of your hand even you want to hold on, would you choose to continue grasping the thin thread you are holding on? Or let go to end the pain?

Happy Birthday Mama Mary!

Yesterday was Mama Mary's birthday. Happy Birthday Mama Mary!

Last year, in our Religion class, we were asked to make a letter/poem/drawing for Mama Mary's birthday. I decided to make a poem. I got a pretty nice grade because of that (maybe because I am the only one who made a poem in the class. LOL).

But my copy was lost. Too bad. Until last Sunday, I was cleaning the side-drawer of my arm chair where I keep my my paper clutters and pictures and I saw the copy of the poem! Yatta!

Well, here it is. It just did some minor revisions because my I noticed some grammatical errors.

I was walking at the busy street
With my mind confused and my body weak
Until my feet brought me to a building
A special place built for Someone worth worshiping.

I stepped inside, feeling awkward
Seeing those people kneeling, eyes cast upward
Hesitatingly, I knelt like them at the soft cushion
With closed eyes and clasped hands, I fell into deep meditation.

I opened my eyes, and saw a lady with face so immaculate
Mounted on the moon whose light is so great.
She is clad with a beautiful rode as radiant as the sun
With twelve twinkling stars as her crown.

She is hovering near the crucifix
Next to the Man nailed on the cross, looking at His face
I concluded that She was the one called "Mediatrix"
So began telling Her my case.

I told Her about myself, my problems
About my worries, about my struggles
And as I tell Her about my thoughts
My anxieties drifts away as I heard Her sweet voice.

"My child," She said, "Our Father gave us problems to bear
To make us stronger for He truly care."
She smiled heavenly and wiped away my tears
And I felt better for she had cast away my fears.

I asked Her if She could pray for me to God
She smiled sweetly again and gave me a nod
I finished my prayers to Her Son, our Savior
And walked out from the Church with a smile to savor.

Because I am studying in a Catholic school, we celebrate Mama Mary's birthday in school. The celebration is just simple. We didn't prepared a class party, unlike what we do every year. I think almost every fourth year class had a party, except us. DX

There was the living rosary the school does every year. And the balloon-rosary thing. Most of the balloons got tangled on the big acacia tree we had in school, though, and some even went down because of the heavy rain.

We planned to watch a horror DVD again, this time in Kolleen's house. Nag-iinarte na naman si Jette. LOL. Sa kanya pa naman nakasalalay ang lahat because if he won't come, Steni won't come too, and my decision depend on them. :D

Anyway, siguro naman matutuloy kami because Jette was asking about the details. Nag-iinarte na naman lang siguro yun.

Happy birthday again, Mama Mary! Anyway, I think Mama Mary is 2014 years old or something? I'm not quite sure. I didn't heard Bro. Ador clearly when he said it.

Be Less Skinny

Being a small girl, I am skinny too. Well, not so skinny unlike other small girls that looked like a toothpick and would collapse after a flick of a finger. I don't look like a blackboard either; I still have curves in the right places. LOL.

But still, I am underweight. I am four feet and eight inches and I just weight 37 kilos. I could remember that when we were taking our weight in PE, everyone was waiting for my turn. I am the second to the lightest in the class, the other one was 36 kilos.

I'm always pretty contented with my "figure". I'm not too skinny (well, for me), and not fat. My body size is quite proportion to my height.

I thought I was getting a little plump. My waistline became two inches bigger, before it was 22 inches (yeah, I know it's still too little). Until we went to Jette's house and saw myself in their mirror. My cheeks looked hollow. I mean, I looked skinny! Really. I thought it was just their mirror or something but when my relatives saw me, they commented that I looked skinny. My classmates noticed that too.

I didn't notice myself being skinny. I mean, I thought my size is just okay. Getting a little plump, even. No, I am not having anorexia nervosa or something. I don't really fear gaining weight as long as it looks proportion to my height.

Maybe the reason why I am losing weight is because I usually stay up late because of computer, and wake up early, resulting to few hours of sleep. I barely eat too; there were even days when I only eat once a day. I skip breakfast because I'm usually late for school, then I usually doesn't eat at school at all. Dinner was neglected too because I'm too busy using the computer, or I'm so tired from school that I sleep right away upon getting home, or I am just lazy to eat. The only meal I got was lunch; I couldn't skip it because Mama is here during the day.

So I've got a new goal: be less skinny. Less skinny, and not fat, okay? I don't want to be fat, no, it wouldn't complement my height. I just want to regain the plumpness of my cheeks and not look like a malnourished kid. LOL.

These past few days, I am trying to eat a lot. I'm trying not to skip breakfast and I eat extra servings of meals. I also try to sleep earlier than my usual sleeping time and just wake up early for my computer use and also so that I can cook my breakfast. I'm also trying to have some exercise so I could lose the extra fat in the tummy (but isn't that contradicting my goal to be less skinny? LOL). Yeah, I am trying.

Yeah. Maybe I should have some little fat in the body.

100th post!

This is my 100th post here in ♥ banat ni nene ;]. Oyea!

My blogspot has reached its one hundredth post after nine months of being established. Hoho. And its anniversary is just three months away! =D

Keeping a blog is awesome and totally helpful. I have an online diary where I could put my opinions, updates, and everyday happenings. I feel better because of that. The comments that readers make on the posts makes me know their opinions and response on what I say.

Plus, whenever I need to remember the date when a certain thing happened (like when I made a narrative report on the Glee Club or when I argued with someone about something that happened), I could just look it up on my blog. Totally cool, isn't it?

Blogging improves my knowledge in CSS whenever I edit the blog code. I know I am not still that good, but still, I learned a lot. I had a zero knowledge in CSS before and was only able to make simple HTML code.

Nakakatuwa. Blogging is really an awesome hobby. Medyo nakaka-adik lang nga. 8D

Sometimes, I am worried because in this blog, people--even anonymous ones--are able to read the things happening to me. Isn't that invasion of privacy? Pero okay lang. I blog and I know the consequences of it. Besides, wala naman nang private sa buhay co e. XD

Well, for me, people blog because of certain reasons.

First, gusto nilang magpapansin (There's nothing wrong with that, okay?)

Second, wala silang magawa at naghahanap ng pampalipas oras.

Third, they want to write.

And fourth, they need some place to rant and babble.

And, unfortunately, I fall under all those reasons. XD

I'm looking forward for more posts of mine here. Thanks for keeping up with my babbling!~

Nicknames

(Copied from my other BS blog because I would be deleting it soon.)

My complete name is Ivy Bernadette Concepcion Nobleza. My mother’s name is Irene and my father’s name is Bernard so perhaps they decided to name me after the first letters on their name.

I was born on eighth day of December 1993, Wednesday at Jose Fabella Hospital. I have lots of connection with religiousness. My birthday is the Feast Day of Immaculate Conception—and my middle name is Concepcion—and I was named after the girl who saw her, St. Bernadette.

I’m contented with my name unlike those who wanted their name to be changed. I think Ivy Bernadette is quite unique name. Well, I like my first (and second) name, but I don’t like my surname that much. I like Concepcion better. If I have my mother’s name instead, it would be Ivy Bernadette Rivera Concepcion. Sounds pretty cool, right? And I would be one of the first ones when we are asked to arrange ourselves alphabetically in school. Plus it will sound nice if ever I get married and have C. as my middle initial rather than N. Parang ang sagwa kasi ng middle initial na N. e. But anyway, it is my name now so I can do nothing about it.

Most people call me Ivy. No one ever called me Bernadette. Oh! I remember one person who called me that—my Math teacher when I was in third grade. But I wish someone would really call me Bernadette. Not that I don’t like Ivy, I just don’t want my other name to be neglected. LOL. Maybe it was because it is mouthful so people call me Ivy instead.

Though I find my names hard to… elaborate. I mean, when we have a project on school where you could put your name on it, Ivy is a very short on and hard to put a design on. While Bernadette is too long. I just use my other names instead.

Oh well, I tried to remember other names—the names some people call me and the names I baptized for myself—and their history. Brace yourself and get ready to memorize them ALL! PWAHAHAHAHA!! XD

* ai-chan - This is the name I prefer to be called online. But unfortunately, few people call me this way; they’ve been used with some other names (like Chibivy). They still recognized me as Ai-chan, anyway.
* ai-vee bhernadethe – I just add some kaartehan with my name and this is the one that turned out. Cool, isn’t?
* Animony (Rose) – This is my very first alias. I used this since I was, what, Grade One, I think. Seriously. I think I got this from the anime Magic Knight. I was so fascinated with this name that I even baptized myself as ‘Animony Rose Delos Santos’ (the surname was just a random one) and even gave some of my friends when we play or give letters to each other a name starting with letter ‘A’. (like Aume, Anaranae, Akiro, Ayasminia, and Azolaida. Very corny.) But I didn’t use this name now, it’s pretty much forgotten. =/
* Aybi - This is actually how people pronounce my name. Like, duh? Can’t they pronounce it as Ai-vi as in violin? Anyway, it’s fine with me.
* Bata - Mr. Dela Vega, my English teacher when I was a sophomore who was the closest teacher to me ever because I am his pet, was the one who called me this. It is because I am so small, and it was also what he called to his friend in college who was almost as small as me. And soon, my classmates in second year call me this way. Some still call me this name until now.
* Bhing – the nickname my mother gave me. Some call me this, too. Nevertheless, this is one of my identification.
* Bi/Bhi – What people call me when they too lazy to say my two-syllable name. =|
* chibivy – Ayyah was the one who baptized me with this name. She combined the word ‘chibi’, which means small in Japanese, to ‘ivy’ so this is the product. She had severely teased me this name—telling people to call me this—and we were chatting in the I:U chatbox when she told Iori this name. Soon, Iori-niichan, called me this name and the other I:U members as well. At first, I kinda have a mild aversion on this name, but people are calling me this way often that I got used to it. I found it cute eventually, so I adapted it and currently, it is my most used identity especially online. It also evolved and gave birth to many names.
* Chibaby – I could remember I send a text GM to Iori and he replied to me with a message like, “Ello, Chibaby!”. When I ask him why he called me that way, he said he’ll call me various names according to his mood and he was in his ‘mood’ to call me this and it is the same with Dearling (the endearment he calls to Ayyah). So he’s calling me Chibaby now, while I call him Honeyori (Honey+Iori).
* Chibibeh – The first name that evolved from Chibaby. Iori is also the one who called me this; he told me because I am small and he imagined me to walk like a duck. Sama. But he doesn’t call me this now. Maybe he already forgot it. x)
* Chibibs – This evolved from Chibibeh. Iori was the one who baptized me with this name, again. And as soon as Ayyah learned about it, she start calling me this, until now (Jeez, they’re partners in giving me names, aren’t they?). So I’m also known as Chibibs.
* danrebette yvia – I just scrambled the letters in my name and this is the one that turned out. 8D
* Ibyang – It was a name that my mother called me when I was young, though I was somewhat forgotten. But once, out of the blue, I mindlessly told this to my third year classmates, telling it had been a typoon (really!) once. It was supposed to be a whisper, but because I have an awfully loud, shrilling, naturally high-pitched voice, the ‘whisper’ was heard by all of my classmates and they started laughing at my nickname. Soon, almost everyone called me this until now.
* ibconobleza – This is my oh-so-plain signature.
* Iolanthe – This is my registered name in I:U (well, I asked Ayyah to changed my name from poison ivy to this one). For the history, see the next nickname.
* Iolanthe Choiseul – My vampire name.=D I found this cool vampire name generator in the net and tried out my name. The name ‘Ivy Nobleza’ turned out as Claudia Tussand. I didn’t like it so I experimented on my other name, trying out Bernadette Rivera (my mother’s middle name before she was married) and this turned out. This is one of my identification in the net and in personal.
* Iolanthe Vigée-Lebrun – I also used vampire name generator for this. Don’t ask what surname I used. XD It’s cooler than Iolanthe Choiseul, so it’s the one that use more frequently.
* Ivylog – As far as I can remember, it was Remo who called me this when we were in first year. People like adding words to my name like ‘Ivy-ngi’ and ‘Ivy-tin’ or something like that but this is the one that really lasted for a long time. Until now, some people call me this randomly.
* kawaii_shojo25 – It’s the one that I use in my e-mail adds. I discovered that ‘kawaii’ is a Japanese name for cute and ‘shojo’ means young girl when I was in sixth-grade (all thanks to Ayyah’s Japanese-English dictionary) and I use this since then.
* Kawaii Shojo Sakuraha – A more name-like name. I’ve always been fascinated to sakura trees so I used ‘Sakuraha’. I also used this name for a chief character in one of my story.
* Miyuki Kanzaki – One of my formal pen names. I’ve been using this name for a long time now. I used this name for one of my story, too.
* magical dreamer – I used this as a screen name in our LAN chat when I was in first because I frequently dream of things that eventually happen in reality. Unfortunately, I learned too soon that it was me because she knows about my dreams. Dang.
* Maple Tree – Ayyah is the only one who called me this name. When I asked het why she calls me this, she simply says it’s because I am small (though I doubt there’s some meaning with this name *shoots daggers to Ayyah*). Well, she was depressed when she called me this—I think. I am her maple tree, and she’s my pine tree. Though this name is pretty forgotten because she seems to enjoy calling me other names. X)
* Mommy – What my little sister calls me. People were always surprise whenever my sister call me this way and I could actually assume they think I have a seven-year-old daughter! Haha! XD
* momo iro yuki – ‘pink’ and ‘snow’ in Japanese which came from my other pen name, pinksnow.
* momo iro yume – Means ‘pink’ and ‘dream’.
* momo-chan – It evolved from ‘momo iro yuki’ and ‘momo iro yume’ and I use this until now.
* Ne – Short for ‘Nene’. See Nene.
* Nene – It was those boys in my sophomore year who gave me this nickname. And we weren’t even close when they baptized me with this. It was because I am a little girl. Almost everyone in my sophomore class called me this and it has been one of my identification.
* Nobleza – What some of the teachers and some acquaintances call me, though most of them are calling me Ivy and I prefer that. But, duh? It’s too formal. I often glower to people who call me this especially those that I known for years.
* pinksnow – One of my first pen names. I used this name when I was submitting my lovesick poems in our school paper.
* poison ivy – One of my frequently used name. This is from the poisonous Ivy plant and not from the movie Batman.
* poison ivy™ - See poison ivy.
* Vi/Vhi – Another nickname when people are feeling lazy.

See? I have awfully LOTS of name. Some of them were from my classmates, but it’s Ayyah that I should really blame more!!! She is the one who contribute a LOT in my pile of names. XD Oh Ayyah, the name creator.

Though I didn’t really mind it when they baptized me with new ones. I already have piles of name to identity ‘Ivy’ and I am certain a hell lot more will come.

(I am just starting to explain the things in the post ‘She Is Ivy’ and look how long this is. It just the names, uh? I still have a long way to go. XD )

New Layout

Gyaha! Finally! After months of hunting for a nice blog skin, I already found one!

I originally planned to make my own skin, but reality bites, I couldn't still make one. Good thing my patience to look for a nice skin paid off, and I found this one.

I didn't originally like this layout that much when I first tried it out, but when I decided to edit it and saw the result, I already liked it. And I am so proud of myself because I am just the one who edited it! I didn't asked for help. Maybe I am improving. Hoho.

I am still looking for an awesome header, though, so the one in here is just temporary. I was thinking what photo should I put on. Hmmm..

Comment link is at the bottom of the post, by the way, in case you didn't notice. For comments and suggestions about the layout, just drop a message in the chatbox.

Gawsh, my English sucks, eh?

Facebook

Yeah. Right. I'm using Facebook now and I'm one of those pretty lot of people who are going crazy over it. Facebook was even much-talked about in school. Well, it's undeniably popular.

My FB account had been around for a long time now. I joined the site at the moment I learned about it, but like most of the social sites I've joined, it had been stagnant for the first months. I rarely open it, I just check out on the updates and confirm friend request. I once tried playing Pet Society but didn't like it at that time.

The popularity of Facebook in our school became widespread this August. Everyone's babbling about it. So I decided to try to browse the site. And now, I've been playing various games in it. XD

And hey! Kindly add me! My e-mail address is kawaii_shojo25@yahoo.com : )


I always see this camera on TV that instantly develop pictures. You know that? The one that "gives out" a photo paper after you take pictures and you need to blow the photo paper for a few minutes and the image will appear. It's really so so awesome and I badly want one! I really don't know what it is call but I think it is instant camera? (It was the keyword I searched in Google)

I heard that this brand (Polaroid) stopped manufacturing instant cameras and "film paper" something is harder to buy.

I want this kind of camera! Does anyone know where can I buy this and how much? Gawsh, it's awesome! I'm gonna add this in my wishlist. XD