Of Conflicts and Contentment (MMD returns)

A/N: Pwahahaha. Natatawa aco sa title ng post co. Wala lang, may "of" kase e. Di co naman alam kung baket kailangang lagyan ng "of" ang mga title ng mga literature pieces, nakigaya lang aco. Inggetera. Hahaha. Bleh! By the way, back to the business. ;)

WARNING: I ranted so much in this post. And gave much details about me. So if you don't want to hear my whining and cannot understand me, please go away.

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We had our choir practice today. Adrian suggested it last Saturday so we can improve our way in singing in masses. If you'll just hear how we sing in every mass, you'll know why we need a practice.

Not that we are bad singers. Of course, we are (Yabang!). But the problem is, our singing style as a choir simply… sucks. Well, we've won lots of competition, but whenever there is a mass, we usually don't get it right. And the priest is kinda getting annoyed with us, we know that, as well as the other church people and parishioners.

So I organized the choir practice today. I was calling Adrian the whole week if he wants to continue the practice (he's the Vice President for Affairs, anyway, and I need his opinion about this), but when I called him again last Wednesday, I remembered that he was actually in Pangasinan because of the boy scout camping. Damn, how come I forget about that? Nakakahiya tuloi sa mga tao sa bahay nila, tawag aco ng tawag.


Pero nung tumawag aco, hindi daw pwede sa bahay nila. She suggested Arsie's place. Kaya tinawagan co si Arsie, na fortunately e pumayag namang dun mag'practice. So magpa'practice talaga kame. I mentally reminded myself to call Adrian in the evening.

I asked permission to my mother about the practice before she went to work. So this is our conversation:

Ivy: "Ma, may practice kami bukas sa choir ah. One o'clock."

Mama: *getting ready for work* "Magligpit ka muna ah. Baka naman one o'clock ka pa magising. Magligpit ka, ayokong madatnang makalat ang bahay. Yung mga damit.."

Ivy: "Oo."

After few seconds.

Ivy: "Kila Arsie kame ah." (half-whisper)

Mama: "Ano!?"

Ivy: "Kila Arise kame magpa'practice."

Mama: "San na naman yon!?"

Ivy: "Sa Fiesta Homes nga. Kila Ayyah.."

Mama: "Ay nako, tigilan mo co ah! Wag ka nang umattend sa practice na yan!!"

Ivy: "Baket?!" *on the verge on sobbing*

Mama: "Basta 'wag kang aattend!"

Ivy: *sulks at the corner but is determined to attend the choir practice no matter what*

WHAT!? I cannot go to the choir practice that I organized!? Nooooo! Hindi pwede! I am the president. Ano na lang sasabihen ng mga ka'choir co? Na ang president nilang nagpatawag ng practice ay siyang di pupunta? No. I should go.

I was really, really annoyed yesterday. Good thing the mangas I read comforted me. XD

But really, I was thinking ways to ask my mom to let me attend the practice. I was praying mentally—the thing I never did for kinda long time now (long story).

I kinda cleaned the house. I folded the clothes. Yes, it was petty things but I don't usually clean so that's kinda big deal for me. Please, please. I need to go to the practice. Pretty, pretty please.

I slept at five in the morning because of online stuff and Plurking. I told Iverie to wake me up as soon as she woke up as well.

**

The next day…

I woke up at 11:30. Kinda early. But still, I am planning to do some cleaning first para payagan naman aco ni mama. I cleaned a little before I even eat my brunch.

Before I ate my brunch, I gathered my guts to talk to my mother, who was about to sleep.

"Ma.."

No response.

"Ma?"

Still, no response.

"Mama.."

When she didn't responded, pumunta aco sa tabi niya. I know she could hear me. Maybe she knows what I would say so she's ignoring me.

"Ma, aattend aco sa practice."

"Hindi!"

"Dalina." But she close her eyes again.

Kinulit co siya ng kinulit para gumising. At ayun , nagising nga. Pero ayaw talaga acong payagan. She's using the "mother-voice".

"Mama, dalina. Payagan mo na aco. Di pwedeng wala aco dun."

She simply ignored me. I was already crying. Bakit ba parati na lang ganito? When I asked her for a concrete reason, she just said that I'm not allowed to go. And there. She ignored me again and closed her eyes.

I was desperate to go that I become disrespectful toward my mom… again.

"Gusto mo parati na lang tayong ganito e, no? Sana pala di co na lang sinabi sa'yo na kila Arsie kame magpa'practice! Gusto mo pa yung nagsisinungaling sa'yo e!" I yelled.

"Talaga! Matagal ka naman nang sinungaling di ba?!"

Nagpilit pa rin aco. Amp. Nakaka'inis. Bakit ba parati na lang ganito? Bakit ba ang hirap magpa-alam ng ganitong mga bagay sa nanai co? Bakit ba hindi siya katulad ng ibang nanai na kayang intindihin ang mga anak nila?

Dumating ang pinsan co. Esakto namang sinabi co, "Bakit si kuya, pinapayagan mong umalis? Bakit aco hindi!? Buti pa yung ibang tao e, mabait ka! Bakit di mo magawa yun sa'men!?"

I know I struck a chord there. Sapul. Na'guilty din aco kase nagamit co yung pinsan co. Kasi naman, nakaka'inis. Bakit pag si kuya, pwede? Pupunta nga siya sa girlfriend niya at dun matutulog, pero okay lang. Ilang araw di uuwi nang di nagsasabi at pagkauwi niya e parang wala lang. E bakit sa'kin?

Oo nga, pinsan co naman kasi siya. Lalaki naman kasi siya. Pero di ba, ang unfair din? (Look, I'm not saying it's my cousin's fault, okay? I'm referring to my mom.) dapat, kung bawal sa'kin, bawal din sa ibang tao. Kasi ganito yun e: Bakit mabait siya at maayos makitungo sa ibang tao, pero 'pag sa'min hindi? Mas mabuti pa nga yung mga pamangkin niya at ka'officemates niya e, nabibiro nila si mama. E aco? Kelan co ba naka'usap yung mama co na parang kaibigan co? Wala acong matandaan. She insisted on so-called respect, but I give that because she doesn't respect me, too. She doesn't understand me at all.

Ang dami co nang opportunity na napalampas dahil sa walang-kwentang paghihigpit niya. Yung school-paper namen na ilang taon cong pinagsilbiha—mas matagal pa aco kila Eday at Ginnique—di aco sure kung tataas ang position co next school year dahil hindi co mabigyan ng time 'yon dahil sa paghihigpit niya sa oras co. Di naman sanaghahangad aco ng mataas na position pero di ba, saying pa rin? Gusto cong mag'aral ng college sa Manila pero ayaw niya. Ano namang mangyayari sa'kin kung dito aco sa San Pedro mag'aaral? Wala. Gusto cong mag'review sa UPCAT pero di co binaggit sa kaniya dahil di niya naman aco papayagan. (Well, I was thinking of the fees too.) Ang dami cong napalampas na opportunity na pwede co sanang maabot kung di siya naghigpit. Ito na nga lang, eto na nga lang Glee Club ang tanging masasabi cong achievement. Ang Glee Club na ilang taon acong nag'serve. And Glee Club kung saan nandito yung talent co, nandito yung specialty co. Hahayaan co na naman bang lumampas ang pagkakataon na mapaglingkuran ang Glee Club bilang isang president? This is so unfair!

Bakit ang mama ni Eday? Bakit ang mama ni Ayyah? Bakit ang mama ng mga kaibigan co at mga kaklase co? Naiintidihan nila ang mga anak nila. Parang kaibigan lang ang turingan nila. Bakit sa'ken, hindi? Alam cong hindi tamang mag'compare. Alam cong meron aco na wala sila. Alam cong mas maswerte pa rin aco kaysa sa iba. Pero hindi co maiwasang magtanong. Bakit? Bakit ganito? Bakit ba ganitong klaseng pamilya ang nagisnan co?

"Bahala ka sa buhay mo! Wala acong pakialam sa'yo! Umalis ka kung gusto mo!!" My mom yelled at me.

Kinulit co pa ring siyang gumising. I'm already determined to go no matter what. The reason why I want her to wake up is because ayoko na ng ganito. Ayoko na ng ganitong kapag may dapat acong ipagpaalam e dapat pa kaming mag'away. Ayoko na ng ganitong nagtitiis acong sundin ang gusto niya dahil kailangan co siya bilang nanai. Ayoko na ng ganitong kailangan acong magtiis kung pwede naman acong sumunod na gusto co talagang sumunod. Ayoko na ng ganitong nagagalit aco sa kanya at nagtatanim ng galit sa puso co. Ayoko na ng ganitong nag'iisip aco kung pa'no makaka'alis sa buhay na ito. Ayoko na ng ganito.

I know, I sound bad. Sorry. I'm just ranting my heart out.

When she kept on ignoring me, I gave up. Siguro nga hanggang dito na lang ang buhay co. Siguro nga hindi na mababago kung ano ang sitwasyon niya ngayon. Because she, herself, is refusing to accept me. Sometimes, aco naman yung ganun. Siguro nga, we're hopeless.

I ate my brunch crying. I took a bath crying. But I have to cheer up. I have to leave all of this here in my damned house. House. It's called house, not a home.

Dumating sila Arbu at Jasmin pero hindi co na sila pinapasok. Mai conflict e. Pinabalik co na lang sila sa Kodak para dun kami maghintayan. Di pa rin kase aco tapos mag-asikaso ng sarili co.

Argh. Nagbabalat pa rin yung muka co. Amp. Napansin nga nila e.

Nabanggit co na katakut'takot pa ang nangyari bago aco nakapunta ditto, tapos ilan lang kame, lima (excluding Ayyah and Arsie)? And I can't help my tears from crying. Maybe I just can't pretend to be happy when I'm not. Maybe I just can't hide my true self. Napaka'transparent co kasing tao e.

I'm so silly. Dapat di aco umiyak. And I'm so silly, I was laughing while crying dahil natatawa aco sa sarili co.

Change topic nga. Pinag'usapan namen ni Jayjay yung I:U kase nga offline ngayon. Amp.

Hinintay lang namen si Mikee kila Jas. Tapos pumunta muna kame kila Arsie.

Ayos naman yung practice namen. Medyo nawawala lang sa focus dahil sa mga usapan. Pero okay lang naman. Sana maayos bukas.

Nag'merienda kames a rooftop after that. At nag'usap kame ni Ayyah. Ayun, nag'kwento nga aco tungkol sa mama co. Amp. Naiyak na naman aco.

Pero nawala na rin yun. Nag'kwentuhan kase kame tungkol sa manga/anime/I:U. At 6:00 na aco naka'uwi dahil namitas pa kame ng apple-mango sa kanila. Haha. Mai pasalubong aco sa kapatid co.

Di kame nag'usap ng mama co pagkauwi. Ang problema, pa'no bukas, e mai meeting nga ang music ministry. Dapat nandun aco dahil president nga co. Amp.

MMD na naman. Multiple Mood Disorder. Sobrang down talaga aco. Sheeet. Habang tina'tayp co nga 'to, umiiyak aco. Buti Iori-niichan PMed me kaya nagging Masaya aco kakatawa sa mga sinasabi niya amidst the depression. At saka kontento na rin aco kase nagawa co yung tarabaho co bilang President ng Glee Club.

Bahala na…

Sorry if I ranted on this looong post. I just really need to tell what I feel and what I hide inside. Para kasing sasabog na aco e. Sorry for too much ranting and angst.