Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Influenza A(H1N1) in Philippines

Some few days ago, I received this chain message:
How great is God?

Influenza A(H1N1) is an air borne disease.
Ecologists say that one way to clean the air is by raining.
Filipinos wonder why is it raining in summer.
Now you know.
But now, Philippine is contaminated with the deadly virus. In fact, there is already two cases here.

Honestly, I'm not being alarmed with the fact that Philippines is not an Influenza A(H1N1)-free country, unlike most people who's getting scared with it. Some are getting afraid to go out, while I think it's still safe outside. Well, that's me. I don't usually think that I'll be affected with this or that outbreak.

But the virus is affecting Filipinos life. For instance, avoiding close contact--even in the church--is being implemented. DepEd wants to postpone the opening of classes because of it. And for crying out loud, I think one of the reason why my mother don't want to allow me to go to the I:U meet-up is because of that damned virus! =/

Though I think the SARS virus that hit the Philippines years ago is still worse than this, people are starting to get paranoid.

It's starting. Climate change, epidemics, tragedies. Almost all of the news I hear now are about unpleasant ones.

Tsk.

Jeez, I sound pessimistic in this post, ne?

Short post

Last night, I decided to tell Mama about the I:U meet up. This is how the conversation goes:

Me: Mama, may sinalihan kasi acong forums sa internet. E anniversary namin sa.. *kunwari nag'isip* 27. E magkikita-kita yung mga members. Sa Southmall.

Mama: Ay naku, tigilan mo aco ah.

Me: Dalina. Si Ayyah naman yung isa sa mga founders nun e.

Mama: Ewan co sa'yo, tigilan mo co.

I told her other things to persuade her, but she simply ignored me. Finally, I decided not to push it farther; I'm just going to try again tomorrow.

Since that conference in YM with some of the I:U members, I've been thinking of ways how to tell and persuade my mother to let me go to the meet-up. I've been gathering guts to say it. But what did I get? I was ignored.

That was the problem with her. I ask permission properly (and honestly), yet she always ignore me. =/

Okay enough. I don't want to rant now. Tsk. But I badly want to go! I wanted to meet I:U people. If I don't come now, I'll have to wait for another year. Mou, I really want to come.

*sigh*

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Updates

I've been on hiatus here in my blog for the past few weeks again. Oh, I always check my dashboard for new entries in the blogs that I follow and always attempts to make a new blog post but I just can't write. Maybe I'm just too lazy to type. Hohoho..

So, what happened in my ordinary, boring life during those days? Here are the updates (random order):

* Mama had our computer reformatted. Finally! We gained our computer sounds and MS Paint. Our OS looked like Windows Vista, though the information in my computer says it's XP. Ah, whatever. But it has fewer themes and our Microsoft Office version is 2003. :( (But I borrowed an Office 2007 installer from Ayyah, though I haven't installed it yet.) Anyway, it's faster.. compared before.

* Our internet connection is pissing me off! It is so annoying! It always display "Page Load Error", saying that the connection was reset. WTF!? Oftentimes, a page's appearance is always in Basic HTML and the default character encoding is Unicode. And some of the images can't be displayed! It's so annoying! Nagta'tyaga na nga lang aco e.

* We started singing the Psalm in choir last week. I was the first one to sing though it's not as beautiful as everyone seem to expect from me because of so much nervousness and insecurities and they're all surprised when they saw me wearing a white blouse and long white skirt, looking so conservative and manang-like. They even teased me Aling Dionisa, deboto, and an Iglesia ni Kristo member. XD

* I'm starting to resurrect the online social networks I've joined and forgotten. As for now, I'm done with Multiply and Twitter and working on my LJ account.

* I'm getting into Twitter. I'm even planning to embed it here in my blogsite.

* I'm planning to change my blogspot layout. Yeah, I got tired it it easily. But I might need Kriselle's help (as always) and I'm getting shy to ask help from her because I know she's busy right now. And besides, I don't want to get into blog-hunting again. So I might just have to bear with it.

* I'm planning to revive my writing "career". In fact, I've joined various original fiction sites. But original fictions are still not popular, especially most of my online friends are fanfic writers.

* I'm getting sentimental these past few days. Especially because I'm getting into my senior high year. =/

* I think my eyesight is getting poor. Blame it to my computer addiction and reading even in with poor light. I think eyeglasses are cool if I'll just use them as accessories but not as a necessity!

*I'm pathetically in love with someone I shouldn't be in love with.

Did you just noticed that most of the updates in my life are mostly online-related? Yeah. I'm getting addicted with online stuffs. >__<

Monday, May 18, 2009

Psalm

May 16, 2009; Saturday

White blouse? Check.

White skirt? Check.

White sandals? Check.

White earrings? Check.

Everyone seem to look at me as I walk on the street. I just smiled and shook my head. Doesn't these people haven't seen a girl wearing an all white outfit yet?

Yes, I was in an all white outfit. All white. I made sure I paired my accessories to my dress. And jeez, I cannot help but laugh at myself, too. I look a member of Iglesia ni Kristo. LOL. But because I am not the kind of person who get embarrassed easily, I held my chin up high and continued walking.

I couldn't keep myself from smiling as I eneter the school grounds. Even the guards were gawking at me.

It was then that Remo saw me. They were at the stage.

"Yan na si Ivy!"

"Whoo!! They clapped ang cheered. Yes, it was silly and childish, but I was still laughing, shaking my head. These people. I thought.

"Deboto!" (They're constantly teasing me this since I wore a red sacramental that old chrch women wear wehn I played the role of Sisa.)

"Aling Dionisa!"

"Yii! Magsasalmo siya!"

Yes, that's the reason why I'm wearing this kind of outfit. I'm going to sing the Psalm.

Since I joined the Glee Club when I was in first year, we never sang the Psalm. It was just recited by the lector. But because we're the only choir in our parish who doesn't sing the Psalm. And I was the one to sing, since I am the President of the Glee Club.

But I've been having severe cough for weeks. I even got paos for a couple of days. My falsetto is falling, too. But I'm determined to sing, though I don't expect that much that I will sing THAT beautiful.

Adrian, Arbu, and Jaymiriz who were common sighs were there. Ponce was the only girl until I came. And surprisingly, Remo attended.

All of them were wearing [plain] white shirt except Ponce. And they looked clean. Handsome, even.

"Ang cute naman, talagang nakaputi kayo. Ang gugwapo niyo naman tingnan, promise!" I squealed. Well, that's me. A person who give compliments and voice out her thoughts.

"Oo nga e, ikaw muka ka talagang deboto. Para kang si Aling Dionisa! Haha!" Okray na naman sa'kin. And the four boys continued teasing and laughing at my outfit.

Well, it was a new thing to me. I mean, waering such dress and looking like a conservative, manang-like girl. Muka acong matimtimang birhen, they said. Etou, they're used to my out-of-ordinary outfits. And now, here is a province girl-like Ivy!

At around 3:15, Sir Bautista came together with Bau.

"O, nasan na misalette?" He asked us. We looked at each other. Oh, I forgot about that!

"Bumili ka!" Eday said.

But I didn't know where I could buy one so Eday decided to come with me. Ablay followed, then Remo and JayJay.

unfinished..

Friday, May 8, 2009

DCSS-SSG Leadership Taining

After so many conflicts, I was able to join the Leadership Training. Whew! Ang dami pang dramahan bago aco makatuloy nun!

Sabi ni Adrian, 3pm daw ang assembly sa school. I was even ready before 3pm. Kaya lang sabi co baka naman masyado acong maaga. Muka nga acong tanga e. Iniisip co, "What if hindi pala talaga aco kasama?", "What if nananaginip lang pala aco nung time na pupunta sila Eday sa bahay?". Haha. Paranoid.

Dahil feeling co e maaga pa, una cong dinala yung big bag ang pillow co, leaving my body bag and other things behind.

Pero pagdating co, nilalagay na nila yung mga gamit sa van. Hala! Late na ba co? Dali'dali acong bumalik ng bahay at kinuha yung iba co pang gamit.

Pero hindi pa naman pala aco late. Actually naghintay pa kami ng iba e.

Sayang nga kasi si Wani, hindi makakapunta. So wala nang P.I.O. Sabi kasi ni Sir. Kapag di ka umattend ng Leadership Training, tanggal ka na. E yung pwesto co as 4th year representative, ewan co lang kung aco na talaga yun. >__>

Si Bing na lang ang hinihintay, yung 2nd year representative namin. Pinuntahan na nga nila Gerard at Eday e. At pagbalik nila, ayun, di nila kasama si Bing. Pa'no daw kasi, nakahanda na yung mga gamit pag'alis, nakabihis na rin. Talagang aalis na lang. Kaso yung tatay niyang masungit, ayaw siyang paalisin. Yung mama kasi yata niya yung kausap niya tungkol sa Leadership Training e, e wala pa.

Kaya ayun, umalis kami ng hindi kasama si Bing. Sayang talaga. >__<

Monday, May 4, 2009

Joy Amidst The Sadness

May 2, 2009

"Amidst the sadness, there are people who'll give you joy. People who would make you smile and laugh as if there is no tomorrow. People who would help you forget your problems. People who are called friends."

May general meeting ang Music Ministry ngayon. So kasali kami sa meeting. Muntik na nga acong di makapunta dahil sa conflict namen ni Mama pero buti na lang e nakapunta pa rin aco.

Grabe nga kagabi e. Medyo maaga'aga din acong nagpasyang matulog, 2am (Maaga na rin yun para sa'kin no!). Pero di pa rin talaga aco makatulog, grabe. Pagulong'gulong na aco sa kama pero di talaga aco makatulog. So in the end, binuksan co ulit yung computer at nagbasa ng manga hanggang finally, antukin din aco ng bandang 5am.

Buti nagising aco ng 7am. Tinawagan co agad si Eday para ipaalala yung meeting. Kaya lang tulog pa daw. Tsk. Pa'no yan? Tulog pa rin si Adrian? Hindi ba niya naalala yung meeting? Amp.

Nagluto na lang aco ng ipangla'lunch co mamaya. Wala din naman acong aasahan sa mama co e.

Pero habang nagluluto aco, dumating si mama. Di co naman ine'expect na dadating siya ng maaga e. Di pa rin kame nagpapansinan. Okay na rin ito, at least makaka'alis aco ng maayos.

Nung dumating aco sa Kodak, di Arbu at si Mikee pa lang ang nandun. Sheda, di rin nagsi'datingan yung iba. Si Arsie, male'late pa yata. Pumunta na lang kame dun sa mai simbahan, at least nandun na kame.

Dapat nga, pupuntahan co na lang si Adrian sa bahay nila para maka'habol pa rin siya kung sakaling tulog pa nga. Ang kaso, magsisimula na yung meeting, e nakakahiya naman kung lalabas pa aco ng room na iyon.

Nakaka'antok, grabe. Pa'no naman kase, wala pang dalawang oras ang tulog co noh! Kaya hindi co na rin naiwasang mapaidlip ng konti. Hihi. ;)

Pagkatapos nung video na pinanood sa'min about kung ano ang pwede at hindi pwedeng kantahin sa simbahan, nagtanong si kuya Roman (yung parang MC) kung may questions. At ayon, puro tungkol sa Glee Club ang mga reklamo. Expected co naman na iyon considering yung mga kapalpakang ginawa namin e.

At lunchtime, sabay-sabay kami nila Arbu at Arsie. Nu ba yan, di aco talaga makakain ng maayos. Ilang araw na acong ganito, ayaw tanggapin ng bibig co yung pagkain kahit gano pa aco kagutom. Kahapon nga, hindi na aco halos kumain e. Kagabi ang kinain co lang e sopas. Amp, grabe. Nu bang nangyayari sa'kin?

Pagkatapos naming mag'lunch, nagkwentuhan muna kami. Ayun, kung saan'saang topic ang napuntahan naming: Glee Club, school, mga star and non-star, pati nga si Eday na nanahimik sa kanilang bahay e nadawit sa usapan. Mga 1pm na rin kami bumalik sa Simbahan.

Nagpa'photocopy kami nung koya tungkol nga dun sa diniscuss nung umaga. Dahil tungkol naman sa mga kantang pangkasal ang diniscuss, di na aco masayadong nakinig dun sa video. Ni'review na lang ulit ni kuya Ramon yung mga nasa videos. Madami'dami rin acong natutunan. Nalaman co na bawal pala talagang gamitin yung dalawang Bridal March (Yes, kung anong naiisip mo, ayun yon.) dahil sa totoo lang, yung isang pinakagamitin na Bridal March e ginamit sa isang opera dati na ang purpose niya e para sa paghahanda ng bride sa honeymoon . And the second most popular e ginamit e sa isang opera din whereas ayun yung ginamit sa kasal ng mga elemental bodies. Kaya mali pala yun. Bawal din palang gamitin yung mga theme songs echos sa kasal dahil di naman daw yun church songs. Respeto na lang daw sa simbahan at sa matrimonial rite.

After that, yung questions at suggestions na naman about sa choir at sa misa. At yung Glee Club nga yung pinaka'maraming pagkakamali. For instance, yung pagpa-"patintero" nga ng choir at lector sa Great Amen at "Sapagkat". Nangayari na kasi yun sa'min e. So tuloi, required kaming (lahat ng choir) kantahin ang lahat ng kanta pwera na lang sa "Salamat" at kung sasabihin ng pari na i'recite.

Bawal na rin pumalakpak after Mass kasi mali naman daw talaga yun.

Tapos yung mga salmista. Since hindi naman kami nagsa'salmo, di kami kasama sa pagkakamali ng mga salmista. Pero kami lang ang choir na hindi nagsa'salmo e. Kaya ayun, tinanong kung anong gagawin naming dun. Ang sabi co naman e balak na naman na talaga naming mag'salmo sa next mass naming (which is true dahil napagplanuhan na namin yun). Okay daw, at least mai progress naman kami kahit papano.

Tinanong din yung mga kanta kung pwede bang kantahin yung particular song na iyon. Ang daming nabago dito. Tinanong co yung "Wag Kang Mangamba" namin kase iba yung tono ng ibang choir sa tono naming. Yung tono pala nila yung talagang original at style lang ni Sir Bautista yung nakasanayan na naming na namana pa namin sa dating choir.

Marami din kaming na'discuss. Okay naman ang ibang choir, friendly naman sila kahit papano sa'men kahit na nga marami kaming pagkaka'mali. Ang mga obvious lang siguro ang pagka'inis sa'men e yung mga lector. Pero okay lang.

Pagkatapos ng meeting, napagpasyahan naming puntahan si Eday sa bahay nila. Magbibihis pa nga lang nung pagkadating namin e. Nandun nga lang kami sa bungad ng compound nila. As usual, ayaw kaming papasukin sa loob ng bahay nila. Pero siguro dahil sa pangungulit at pagpaparinig naming at dahil nandun na rin kami, pinatuloi na kami sa bahay nila. Kami nga lang dalawa ni Arbu kasi si Arsie uuwi na.

Yes! Sa halos mag'aapat na taon na magka'kilala at magkaibigan kami ni Eday, nakapasok na rin aco sa bahay nila. Di kase talaga nagpapa'punta ng tao sa kanila yun e. Halos magkapit-bahay na nga kami nun pero ayaw pa rin acong papuntahin sa kanila. Achievement co na ang maka'pasok sa bahay nila. Pwahahahaha! XD (Hyperbole!)

Grabe nga e. Ang daming medal sa kanila. Kinder to grade 6 at bukod pa yung sa high school. At kay Adrian ang lahat ng iyon! Well, ano pa bang ie'expect co. sa matalinong estudyante na katulad ni Eday, di ka na dapat manibago nun. But still, kung aco si Eday o ang mga magulang nila, parang feeling proud talaga aco makita co lang yun.

Nagkwentuhan pa kami. Ang harot nga ni Eday e. Ayun, napagk'kwentuhan naming yung cellphone niyang nanakaw dahil na Budol gang siya. Sabe co nga sa kanya, ang tali'talino niya pero nabobo siya sa bagay na yun. Pero di co rin naman siya masisisi kase may power of hypnotism yung mga kawatan nay un e.

Tapos hinulaan namin yung mga badges na na'acquire niya sa boy scout. Out of 21 badges, naka'12 na hula din aco. Tinanong co kung anong grade ang ibibigay niya sa'kin kung sakali and he said 85. Not bad uh, considering na hindi naman aco boy scout at hindi co naman napag'aralan kung ano talaga ang mga badges na yun.

Alas'kwartro na kami umalis sa bahay nila. Nagyaya pa nga silang mag'kwek e wala naman acong pera. Wala na talaga acong pera, P25 na lang yata yung laman ng pitaka co. Di naman kasi aco binigyan ni mama ng pera e (at hindi aco humingi). Imagine, yung P50.00, nagkasya sa'kin ng dalawang araw? Matipid naman kase acong tao, lalo na kung kailangang magtipid.

Pero nagpilit sila. E wala naman acong magawa. Kunsabagay, kasya pa naman yung pera cong pang'kwek.

Pagkatapos namin, binayaran ni Eday yung dalawang kwek na nakain co. Wow ah, generous. Wala lang, nakakatuwa lang na nilibre niya aco. Kunsabagay, kung mai pera naman talaga si Adrian e talagang manlilibre siya. Babawi na lang aco sa susunod.

Pumunta na kami sa simbahan pagkatapos. Tatlo nga lang kami e. Imagine, tatlo! Kapag walang ibang dumating, break ang record co na limang members lang ang nag'choir sa misa. (Originally, dapat nga duet lang kaming dalawa ni Arbu e. Buti nandian si Eday.)

Nandun nga si idol co e, nakanta para sa rosary. Nandun din siya kanina nung meeting. Ang idol na tinutukoy co e yung babaeng bulag na choir member (PEACE choir). Pero kahit mai kapansanan siya, grabe, ang ganda ng boses niya. Ang galling niyang kumanta at ang taas pa. Mai parati lang siyang kasamang matandang babae tuwing nakanta siya. Pero grabe talaga, idol co siya! Super!

Umakyat na kami sa choirbox habang nagro'rosary para makapag'practice kami ng mga kakantahin. Pinapractice co nga yung mataas na ending sa Opening Song namin at Papuri. Wish co lang magawa co.

Dumating si Mau. Hay salamat, nadagdagan din kami. Pagkatapos ng rosary, kinuha na nila Arbu at Eday yung mic sa baba.

Parang ang anxious nga naming ngayon e. Kinakabahan kami na di naming alam kung bakit.

Nagsimula na rin ang misa. Sheda, di co nagawa yung high ending ng opening song. Nawala aco. Buti na lang di masyadong rinig. Amp. XC

Bago mag'Papuri, umakyat si Sir. Yes! Nandian pala siya. Ang akala niya daw pala, wala kami.

Pagtapos ng Papuri, dumating si Jaymiriz na namumutla. Masama nga daw kasi pakiramdam niya e. Sinabi co din kay Sir yung mga napag'meetingan at yung dapat at di dapat kantahin. Sa'min kasi nagsimula yung implementation nun e. Sinabi co rin yung tungkol sa Salmo, kaya magsasalmo nga daw next next Saturday. At ang magsasalmo? Ako! Sheesh.

Naging okay naman ang kanta naming kahit lima lang kami. Halos kaming dalawa nga lang kami ni Eday ang productive kasi si Jayjay masama nga pakiramdam, si Arbu ewan co kung kumakanta ba, at si Mau e nawawala. Pero okay lang naman.

Dahil May, mag'aalay ng bulaklak sa dulo ng misa. Nag'stay pa muna kami sa choirbox kahit si Sir ay umalis na. Pinaalalahanan niya na lang kaming maging maaga next next Saturday para ma'practice ang (una naming) salmo.

Nagkwentuhan nga kami sa choirbox e. Ang sama namin. =D

Si Eday, baka daw sasali sa Bebot. Yung Beboy e contest ng mga (tunay na) lalaki sa pageant na pambabae. Ni'recruit nga daw siya ni Ella. Sabi co sa kanya talagang susuportahan co siya e. kaya lang sa San Roque daw yata yung location. E sabe co kay Eday, yun nga lang, magkaka'issue na naman sa school tungkol sa sexuality niya. Oo nga daw. Pero ano naman ba, e alam namin na talagang TUNAY na lalaki si Eday. (Wow!)

Natapos lang ang kwentuhan nung natapos na ang pag'aalay ng bulaklak kay Mama Mary. Bumaba na kami. Si Mau umuwi na pero sila Eday e niyaya pa acong mag'gala. Kumain daw kaming kwek. E wala na nga acong pera e. Pero kinulit'kulit nila aco; sila daw bahala sa'kin. Aalis na dapat aco pero si Eday hinila pa aco nung patawid na. Wala na acong nagawa.

Imbes na mag'kwek muli, nag'goto na lang kami. Dinagdagan na lang nila Jay at Eday yung pera co. Yung sa'kin nga mai laman, yung kay Arbu wala e. Ahahaha.

Ayun, nahuli aco sa pagkain. Wala nga kasi acong appetite ngayon. Nagpatulong na lang ac okay Arbu at Adrian na ubusin yun. Haha.

Ala'siete na nga aco naka'uwi e. Sabe nga ni Eday, hayaan co na lang daw. Kasi hindi rin naman kami magkakabati ni mama kung uuwi aco ng maaga. Edi lubos'lubusin co na daw. Saka kung sa bahay lang daw aco, magmu'mukmok lang aco, maiisip co lang lalo ang mga problema co kaya malulungkot aco. At least kung lalabas daw aco e magiging masaya aco. B.I. nga e. Haha. Pero sa totoo lang, mai point siya. Tama naman di ba?

Nabanggit ni Arbu yung tungkol sa Impossible Quiz na pinasa co sa kanya. Na'curious nga si Eday na laruin, sabe niya tuloi pupunta siya sa'min dahil wala naman silang internet. Parang napag'usapan naming na weekday ng gabi pumunta kasi di aco komportableng makiharap sa mga tao kapag nandiyan nanai co e. Ewan co sa kanya kung totoong pupunta yun.

Naging masaya aco sa araw na ito. Kasi kahit nga mai conflict sa bahay, nakalimutan co yon kahit papano dahil kasama co yung mga taong nagpapasaya sa'kin. Salamat sa kanila. I somewhat feels that I am loved.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Of Conflicts and Contentment (MMD returns)

A/N: Pwahahaha. Natatawa aco sa title ng post co. Wala lang, may "of" kase e. Di co naman alam kung baket kailangang lagyan ng "of" ang mga title ng mga literature pieces, nakigaya lang aco. Inggetera. Hahaha. Bleh! By the way, back to the business. ;)

WARNING: I ranted so much in this post. And gave much details about me. So if you don't want to hear my whining and cannot understand me, please go away.

--

We had our choir practice today. Adrian suggested it last Saturday so we can improve our way in singing in masses. If you'll just hear how we sing in every mass, you'll know why we need a practice.

Not that we are bad singers. Of course, we are (Yabang!). But the problem is, our singing style as a choir simply… sucks. Well, we've won lots of competition, but whenever there is a mass, we usually don't get it right. And the priest is kinda getting annoyed with us, we know that, as well as the other church people and parishioners.

So I organized the choir practice today. I was calling Adrian the whole week if he wants to continue the practice (he's the Vice President for Affairs, anyway, and I need his opinion about this), but when I called him again last Wednesday, I remembered that he was actually in Pangasinan because of the boy scout camping. Damn, how come I forget about that? Nakakahiya tuloi sa mga tao sa bahay nila, tawag aco ng tawag.


Pero nung tumawag aco, hindi daw pwede sa bahay nila. She suggested Arsie's place. Kaya tinawagan co si Arsie, na fortunately e pumayag namang dun mag'practice. So magpa'practice talaga kame. I mentally reminded myself to call Adrian in the evening.

I asked permission to my mother about the practice before she went to work. So this is our conversation:

Ivy: "Ma, may practice kami bukas sa choir ah. One o'clock."

Mama: *getting ready for work* "Magligpit ka muna ah. Baka naman one o'clock ka pa magising. Magligpit ka, ayokong madatnang makalat ang bahay. Yung mga damit.."

Ivy: "Oo."

After few seconds.

Ivy: "Kila Arsie kame ah." (half-whisper)

Mama: "Ano!?"

Ivy: "Kila Arise kame magpa'practice."

Mama: "San na naman yon!?"

Ivy: "Sa Fiesta Homes nga. Kila Ayyah.."

Mama: "Ay nako, tigilan mo co ah! Wag ka nang umattend sa practice na yan!!"

Ivy: "Baket?!" *on the verge on sobbing*

Mama: "Basta 'wag kang aattend!"

Ivy: *sulks at the corner but is determined to attend the choir practice no matter what*

WHAT!? I cannot go to the choir practice that I organized!? Nooooo! Hindi pwede! I am the president. Ano na lang sasabihen ng mga ka'choir co? Na ang president nilang nagpatawag ng practice ay siyang di pupunta? No. I should go.

I was really, really annoyed yesterday. Good thing the mangas I read comforted me. XD

But really, I was thinking ways to ask my mom to let me attend the practice. I was praying mentally—the thing I never did for kinda long time now (long story).

I kinda cleaned the house. I folded the clothes. Yes, it was petty things but I don't usually clean so that's kinda big deal for me. Please, please. I need to go to the practice. Pretty, pretty please.

I slept at five in the morning because of online stuff and Plurking. I told Iverie to wake me up as soon as she woke up as well.

**

The next day…

I woke up at 11:30. Kinda early. But still, I am planning to do some cleaning first para payagan naman aco ni mama. I cleaned a little before I even eat my brunch.

Before I ate my brunch, I gathered my guts to talk to my mother, who was about to sleep.

"Ma.."

No response.

"Ma?"

Still, no response.

"Mama.."

When she didn't responded, pumunta aco sa tabi niya. I know she could hear me. Maybe she knows what I would say so she's ignoring me.

"Ma, aattend aco sa practice."

"Hindi!"

"Dalina." But she close her eyes again.

Kinulit co siya ng kinulit para gumising. At ayun , nagising nga. Pero ayaw talaga acong payagan. She's using the "mother-voice".

"Mama, dalina. Payagan mo na aco. Di pwedeng wala aco dun."

She simply ignored me. I was already crying. Bakit ba parati na lang ganito? When I asked her for a concrete reason, she just said that I'm not allowed to go. And there. She ignored me again and closed her eyes.

I was desperate to go that I become disrespectful toward my mom… again.

"Gusto mo parati na lang tayong ganito e, no? Sana pala di co na lang sinabi sa'yo na kila Arsie kame magpa'practice! Gusto mo pa yung nagsisinungaling sa'yo e!" I yelled.

"Talaga! Matagal ka naman nang sinungaling di ba?!"

Nagpilit pa rin aco. Amp. Nakaka'inis. Bakit ba parati na lang ganito? Bakit ba ang hirap magpa-alam ng ganitong mga bagay sa nanai co? Bakit ba hindi siya katulad ng ibang nanai na kayang intindihin ang mga anak nila?

Dumating ang pinsan co. Esakto namang sinabi co, "Bakit si kuya, pinapayagan mong umalis? Bakit aco hindi!? Buti pa yung ibang tao e, mabait ka! Bakit di mo magawa yun sa'men!?"

I know I struck a chord there. Sapul. Na'guilty din aco kase nagamit co yung pinsan co. Kasi naman, nakaka'inis. Bakit pag si kuya, pwede? Pupunta nga siya sa girlfriend niya at dun matutulog, pero okay lang. Ilang araw di uuwi nang di nagsasabi at pagkauwi niya e parang wala lang. E bakit sa'kin?

Oo nga, pinsan co naman kasi siya. Lalaki naman kasi siya. Pero di ba, ang unfair din? (Look, I'm not saying it's my cousin's fault, okay? I'm referring to my mom.) dapat, kung bawal sa'kin, bawal din sa ibang tao. Kasi ganito yun e: Bakit mabait siya at maayos makitungo sa ibang tao, pero 'pag sa'min hindi? Mas mabuti pa nga yung mga pamangkin niya at ka'officemates niya e, nabibiro nila si mama. E aco? Kelan co ba naka'usap yung mama co na parang kaibigan co? Wala acong matandaan. She insisted on so-called respect, but I give that because she doesn't respect me, too. She doesn't understand me at all.

Ang dami co nang opportunity na napalampas dahil sa walang-kwentang paghihigpit niya. Yung school-paper namen na ilang taon cong pinagsilbiha—mas matagal pa aco kila Eday at Ginnique—di aco sure kung tataas ang position co next school year dahil hindi co mabigyan ng time 'yon dahil sa paghihigpit niya sa oras co. Di naman sanaghahangad aco ng mataas na position pero di ba, saying pa rin? Gusto cong mag'aral ng college sa Manila pero ayaw niya. Ano namang mangyayari sa'kin kung dito aco sa San Pedro mag'aaral? Wala. Gusto cong mag'review sa UPCAT pero di co binaggit sa kaniya dahil di niya naman aco papayagan. (Well, I was thinking of the fees too.) Ang dami cong napalampas na opportunity na pwede co sanang maabot kung di siya naghigpit. Ito na nga lang, eto na nga lang Glee Club ang tanging masasabi cong achievement. Ang Glee Club na ilang taon acong nag'serve. And Glee Club kung saan nandito yung talent co, nandito yung specialty co. Hahayaan co na naman bang lumampas ang pagkakataon na mapaglingkuran ang Glee Club bilang isang president? This is so unfair!

Bakit ang mama ni Eday? Bakit ang mama ni Ayyah? Bakit ang mama ng mga kaibigan co at mga kaklase co? Naiintidihan nila ang mga anak nila. Parang kaibigan lang ang turingan nila. Bakit sa'ken, hindi? Alam cong hindi tamang mag'compare. Alam cong meron aco na wala sila. Alam cong mas maswerte pa rin aco kaysa sa iba. Pero hindi co maiwasang magtanong. Bakit? Bakit ganito? Bakit ba ganitong klaseng pamilya ang nagisnan co?

"Bahala ka sa buhay mo! Wala acong pakialam sa'yo! Umalis ka kung gusto mo!!" My mom yelled at me.

Kinulit co pa ring siyang gumising. I'm already determined to go no matter what. The reason why I want her to wake up is because ayoko na ng ganito. Ayoko na ng ganitong kapag may dapat acong ipagpaalam e dapat pa kaming mag'away. Ayoko na ng ganitong nagtitiis acong sundin ang gusto niya dahil kailangan co siya bilang nanai. Ayoko na ng ganitong kailangan acong magtiis kung pwede naman acong sumunod na gusto co talagang sumunod. Ayoko na ng ganitong nagagalit aco sa kanya at nagtatanim ng galit sa puso co. Ayoko na ng ganitong nag'iisip aco kung pa'no makaka'alis sa buhay na ito. Ayoko na ng ganito.

I know, I sound bad. Sorry. I'm just ranting my heart out.

When she kept on ignoring me, I gave up. Siguro nga hanggang dito na lang ang buhay co. Siguro nga hindi na mababago kung ano ang sitwasyon niya ngayon. Because she, herself, is refusing to accept me. Sometimes, aco naman yung ganun. Siguro nga, we're hopeless.

I ate my brunch crying. I took a bath crying. But I have to cheer up. I have to leave all of this here in my damned house. House. It's called house, not a home.

Dumating sila Arbu at Jasmin pero hindi co na sila pinapasok. Mai conflict e. Pinabalik co na lang sila sa Kodak para dun kami maghintayan. Di pa rin kase aco tapos mag-asikaso ng sarili co.

Argh. Nagbabalat pa rin yung muka co. Amp. Napansin nga nila e.

Nabanggit co na katakut'takot pa ang nangyari bago aco nakapunta ditto, tapos ilan lang kame, lima (excluding Ayyah and Arsie)? And I can't help my tears from crying. Maybe I just can't pretend to be happy when I'm not. Maybe I just can't hide my true self. Napaka'transparent co kasing tao e.

I'm so silly. Dapat di aco umiyak. And I'm so silly, I was laughing while crying dahil natatawa aco sa sarili co.

Change topic nga. Pinag'usapan namen ni Jayjay yung I:U kase nga offline ngayon. Amp.

Hinintay lang namen si Mikee kila Jas. Tapos pumunta muna kame kila Arsie.

Ayos naman yung practice namen. Medyo nawawala lang sa focus dahil sa mga usapan. Pero okay lang naman. Sana maayos bukas.

Nag'merienda kames a rooftop after that. At nag'usap kame ni Ayyah. Ayun, nag'kwento nga aco tungkol sa mama co. Amp. Naiyak na naman aco.

Pero nawala na rin yun. Nag'kwentuhan kase kame tungkol sa manga/anime/I:U. At 6:00 na aco naka'uwi dahil namitas pa kame ng apple-mango sa kanila. Haha. Mai pasalubong aco sa kapatid co.

Di kame nag'usap ng mama co pagkauwi. Ang problema, pa'no bukas, e mai meeting nga ang music ministry. Dapat nandun aco dahil president nga co. Amp.

MMD na naman. Multiple Mood Disorder. Sobrang down talaga aco. Sheeet. Habang tina'tayp co nga 'to, umiiyak aco. Buti Iori-niichan PMed me kaya nagging Masaya aco kakatawa sa mga sinasabi niya amidst the depression. At saka kontento na rin aco kase nagawa co yung tarabaho co bilang President ng Glee Club.

Bahala na…

Sorry if I ranted on this looong post. I just really need to tell what I feel and what I hide inside. Para kasing sasabog na aco e. Sorry for too much ranting and angst.