Depression

Warning: Angsty post ahead. Lots of pathetic ramblings too. Go click the 'X' button if you don't want to hear stupid stuffs.

I've been having severe blows in my self-esteem lately. The feeling of thinking too lowly of myself is back. I hate this kind of feeling. I hate having too little self-worth. I hate thinking badly of myself as everybody does. I hate it, I hate the feeling of wanting to turn back on myself as the world does. But I can't help it. Self-esteem is being pretty much shaken.

Raised in a seemingly indifferent world, I couldn't help to be shaken by insecurities. No, I am not shy or anything. In fact, I could be branded as one of those "shameless" people. Makapal ang mukha, 'ika nga. But despite the carefree and confident personality I have, there is still a very little part within me that is filled with anxieties and worries.

I learned to love myself because at the end, when the world turn its back on you, when even the people you thought you could trust starts to leave you, you will have nothing but yourself. I learned to console myself when everybody seem to despise me, to tell myself that everything would be okay when everyone seem to talk at my back, to hold on to myself when everyone seem to abandon me. I have nothing but myself.

Life has always been so unfair. People has always been so cruel. I tried hard to fit in. I tried hard to belong. I struggled hard to be in the place I am standing right now. But when I thought that I became already accepted, when I thought that everything is real, when I thought that I found the people whom I could trust, the painful realization hit me. I am still an outcast, and will always remain as outcast. An unwanted person. Tag-along. Sabit. Singit. Extra. Panakip-butas.

Sometimes, I couldn't ask myself why I was born like this. Why I was born in a callous family? Why I didn't had parents who could understand me? Why I became a product of a broken home? Why I wasn't born rich? Why am I not beautiful at all? Why I am so small and people seem to think so little of me? Why everyone seem to find wrong in my every move? Why am I just too stupid? Why I couldn't do anything good? Why I couldn't just fit in, no matter how hard I try? Why? Why?

And I've always known the answer to those questions: simple because I am me. I was born like this and nothing can change that. This was the plan for me. And no matter how hard I wish, I couldn't do anything about it but accept. Because this is the life I have to live. The path I have to take. This is my fate.

The depression is slowly eating me up. Outside, I am pretty much okay. But the inside of me is getting hollow. My mind is empty. Blank. Dark. The pain is gnawing me to the point of feeling numb. But numbness isn't any help at all. The numbness just make everything more painful.

I never wanted to be alone because when I am alone, I think of morbid things. When I am alone, all I wanted is to cry. Self-pity is a tempting companion. I wanted to shout, to curse everyone, to hate the world. But I can't. I couldn't hate the people I learned to love. And besides, the world has nothing to do with this. I could hate the world, but nothing good will happen. Nothing will change. It won't stop spinning for me. The people around me aren't the problem; it is just me. Just me. Me and my pathetic life.

I always say I am happy in my life. That no matter how many obstacles come in my way, I could always stand up. But if I were give a chance to choose what kind of life I like to live, what kind of parents I want to have, I don't know. I probably won't choose this life. I would probably grab the chance, even it means throwing up everything that I have. But of course, I couldn't tell that. I've always love the people around me, the things that had happened to me, no matter how good or bad it is. But when it is the people around you that's killing you slowly, when everyone let go of your hand even you want to hold on, would you choose to continue grasping the thin thread you are holding on? Or let go to end the pain?